Sunday, November 20, 2011
Love my life. I do. So much to be thankful for this week, month, year. For beginners, my children are all alive & healthy. ( I say that because we came so close to losing my favOrite- only son this year). Nothing can prepare you for that. ( I still feel like someone has punched me in the gut when I think about it). This season (years in raising children from age 12-20) is so stressful, overwhelming, challenging, sifting, wonderful, sad, joyous, disheartening & mind blowing. There just isn't a way to even express this journey. -I just hope I make it out alive, & still me. I feel like she may be gone ... & I grieve the loss. I stay so twisted-caught up -in what is required of me right now raising these girls. I told Chris the other day that I misssss me. I know he must. Or, maybe (sadly) he doesn't remember me. I don't really know what is worse. One thing I do know is, I have been Redeemed. Reclaimed. & I'm waiting to be Revived. None of that would be possible without our God. I would just be whatever it is that my lying, scornful, deceitful heart claimed. (isn't the thought of that frightening??). I am blessed beyond measure. I have a relationship with a Savoir who daily supplies my needs. I have a committed husband who loves me inspite of, so many things. & I have CHILDREN who know the Lord & will one day, return to what has been planted in their hearts. I pray you find yourselves counting your many blessings this Thanksgiving. You may even have to dig deep. But, rest assured, the mere fact that you will have lovedones to celebrate with, makes You a very Wealthy Individual!!. May You be Blessed & Know it this Thanksgiving & throughout the Year!! LYLAS/B , LA
Monday, June 27, 2011
(It might be an LAism... I'm really not sure, so I 'll break it down for ya. ;)
This (as 99.9% of you know given my feed #'s) has probably been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, for ovbious (& not so ovbious) reasons. The Kalyb thing shook me to my very core. WOW!. NOTHING can ever prepare you as a mom to watch your baby struggle to survive through something so earth shattering. (I well up inside even writing this). Life basically stood still. And, tho he survived ( to only the Glory of God!) the aftermath can really only be compared to something extremely close to PPD... Bouts of random crying, SERIOUS depression, overwhelmedness- you get the picture...
Just prior to getting the news of his accidental shooting , we had planned a trip to Las Vegas with friends . (Chris & I had neither one ever been, so at the time we were very excited about it).
Slowly in the weeks preceding the shooting I started to focus on this trip together. It became something I really I looked fwd to & it helped me to somewhat start to pull out from under the gray cloud that had set up residence over my home... For unforseen reasons we ended up coming, just the two of us. (I'm actually at the Paris LV sittting by the pool while writing this). We have had a really good time. We ( I ) really needed it, but I have felt feelings of the PPD start to creeeep back in & it's ticking me OFF! Ugh. If I may, I would like to share with you the things I have used to help me try & get over this... The "blessings" that I focus on. I am loved & in a deep relationship with my Heavenly Father, married to a man that accepts me right where I am, flaws, warts & all &, have 5 amazing children. Kalyb is healing & day by day returning to his old self PTL!. I am in a wonderful church & lead (if that's what you call it :) our Womens Ministry Team. God is really blessing our little business, & I have some of the most amazing Godly sister friend's & family. I know that I am blessed & well meaning friend's literally say things like" I wish I could just run off to Vegas" or " What do you have to be depressed about?. Your life is so awesome" . Blahh blahh blah... Ovbiously, it has nothing to do with "my life!"... Please hear my heart, I am by no means bragging, quite the opposite. Inspite of all of this, still I feel such oppression if I am not constantly seeking God & pressing in... Sounds insane, right???. I know. Makes no sence- what.so.ever...
Even now, being here, breeze blowing, sun shining, I am sadly having to capture thoughts & bring them under authority... I know Gods is faithful. So seriously AWESOME.!!. And, I know that He is strengthening me. So, I will continue to press in, soak up these last few precious hours with my man & praise God, even through the valley's... I have been posting pics on FB of our trip. We have had a fantastic time & getting some great couple time in, not to mention the shopping!. (which btw can also become a vice. I have found that sometimes when I am struggling I want "shoppin therapy", which in no way does anything to help me feel better after I have forked over the cash - if you are saying an " Amen!!" right now, see that for what it is- empty!!). I am now getting off my broken down, tattered, soap box & off to hit the town with my man!. If you identify with these type feelings, please be encouraged. You are not alone, & even tho this is NOT a fun experience, He know's, He promised to never leave or forsake us, & this is for His glory. HANG ON & press IN. Thanks for reading & for goodness sakes, TALK to someone SAFE. (I have 2 really incredible safe friends I can "go there" with & it really makes all the diff...).
Till next time, LYLAS. LA
PS. comments let me connect with you so plz don't leave without leaving one ;)
Monday, June 13, 2011
I am home & my boy has been released & home now too, healing. I should be jubilent. But, truthfully I'm not. Somthing is looming over me & I feel pressed down. When I think about all that Gods is doing/has done in my life I ask myself what is wrong with me?. I really am so stinking blessed. I am wrestling. With my mind, worry, stress, oppression. God's word says we are to walk in the fullness of His Blessings, By faith. I have been daily, hourly, putting that on like a salve because I know the signs of deceit. Yet still I am disconnected. Kalyb had such a tough battle ahead of him laying in the SICU. I knew God had a purpose in all of it & I was pretty sure I knew what that was. (I think you do too). I am so thankful for that. I should be on top of the world, right?. But the opposite is true. It took such a huge toll on me emotionally. I look at all that is required of me & I feel - see that right there, thats the problem. I'm looking at all that we as a family have going on & I lose perspective. So many things, stressful things going on. Kait is off living a life far removed from her faith. If I reeeeeeaaly allowed myself to go there, I might not be able to stand. I know all the " God's got it, She's His not mine, She's been raised in the truth, she'll be back...'s" But Im sad. We are missing out on so much time. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. With her, or Kalyb. I am a woman of God who had seen amazing miraculous signs & wonders yet here I am unable to connect with who I am in Him. So, I keep walking. Believing. Claiming. Trusting, inspite of the fact that I am teetering. Am I making sence?. Have you ever been here?. The message yesterday was amazing. It talked about Zacharias & his relationship with God. His visions. God used him in very unconventional ways, for His purpose. Inspite of myself, that is what I'm believing He is doing in my family. ( I honestly do trust Him completely. I just wish I could be free from whatever is hanging over me so that I could have Joy about what He is up to)... Sorry for the rambling. I am always so candid here, amoung all of you... Please pray for me & this seperation & depression. -This is a good reminder that even though we are believers we will have struggles. (He doesn't ever say we won't, He does however promise to hold onto our hand through them...). Thank you Father!. Welp, I have my precious Uncle' s funeral to pack for, inlaws arriving in a few days to clean for, & my mom & sister moving in next week to prepare for... So, peace out & thank you! LA
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Its me again. It's 1:30am & I'm back in my room. I was going to stay the night with him but he doesn't sleep peacefully when I do. He remembers I'm there & opens his eyes to check & make sure I havn't left. So I have come back to hang out with my family that have traveled here. My 2 younger brothers, their girlfriends, my baby sister & mom are all here & it's been nice being surrounded by people who love him like I do. One thing about family, they show up. I am also so blessed because I also have friends that are family & my gosh have you showed up. You have blown me away with your capacity to love me & be my rock, encouragers & prayer warriors. Amazing. Thats what you are & I am so thankful.
Tomorrow is a pretty big day. There is a tear in his liver & we are waiting to see (& believing that it will) heal itself. The alternative is horrifying to even consider. If it doesn't, the unthinkable with have to happen. They will reopen him. (The cursor is just siting, blinking in silence as I think about what that will mean for him....). So I won't think that way. He is being healed & God is his physician. Another thing that weighs sooooo heavily is that my time here is drawing near & I can't bare the thought of leaving. Thankfully God gives us strength for the day & just enough light for the step that we are on. I'm refusing to let fear creep in & control me because I know who holds each day in His hand. I'm very tried so I am signing off. I will be back with news as soon as I know anything. Thank you for continuing to pray. I love you.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sitting in his room. All is quiet except for the mat he's sleeping on that massages the blood flow (because he can't move) & his oxygen. He's so helpless. As am I. We are in a new room & off the ICU wing. Such a great sign. They keep emptying his seepage tank. So much blood & bile. They said usually 1 oz in a 12hr period. He's losing an oz an hour & his Dr. is keeping a close eye. Where his tubes enter his ribs is also starting to seep. I can't deal with this in my own strength. I feel the Holy Spirit once again minister & comfort me as I imagine the 2 waring Angels standing guard flanking his bed. Thank you God for your protection & promises. How do non believers get through & not be overtaken?. I am not this strong God. ( I have had this ongoing dialog with Him during this whole time. I am sinking in this abyss that has engulfed me. But in His sweet Spirit sweeps in I am once again reminded... He is not mine... Another thought has also kept company with me for the past few days. You. You are here, praying. Claiming. Believing these things for him. For me. If you only knew. Really knew, the miraculous strength & courage you have bathed me in. I am deeeeeeeeply in love with your precious faithful hearts & simply could not do this without you. I feel the need to caress his precious beautiful head & sooooo I will sign off for now. Will you please continue to pray?. I covet them so.... I'll be back. LA
*Please share this udate to those who are praying. xxooo
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Kalyb isn't really a baby, but he is my baby. I want to run, I want to scream, punch somthing, take him in my arms & take all his pain & fear, anguish. Is ANYONE OUT THERE. I AM SO ANGRY! Full of fear, but not dare admitting that out loud. Not even to myself. Until now. Kalyb was shot accidentally by his dad. When the gun went off he told his dad he was cold & couldn't feel his legs. For some reason that has been playing over & over in my mind. No parent wants to hear that. He's been shot in the chest piercing his lungs, kidneys, small intestines & liver. He is in a Lubbock hospital in critical condition. I am helpless. I sit in the dimly lit hospital room right now listening to the machine, breathing for him. Massaging his legs so he won't get edema, swelling. GET UP. Get UP Kalyb. Please..... (tears, streaming down my face...) We arn't done. There's so much I have yet to show you. Share with you.
He is my first born. My only son. He looks so much like me. Everyone tells us so. I have so much to make up for. Please God. Let me have more time with him. I want to crawl right into this bed with him, stroke his beautiful forehead, tell him evenings going to be ok. It is, right?. It is going to be ok? I hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit now (as I often do), "he's mine Leah". I know. I know he is Lord. Do you trust me with him?. I want to say yes Lord.... So for now, for this very moment in time, I am choosing to believe. To not let go. Pleeeease, please continue to believe & pray for us. I seeee that you are praying. All over fb. I am overflowing with thankfulness & utter amazment @ your faithfulness. Plese, don't stop. I am so weak. But knowing you are praying helps me to believe... I couldn't. love.you .more. LA
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Blink blinkblinkkkk... Thats what the cursor is doing. While I try & formulate my thoughts. Please be patient while I sort through all of this... What would be the worst news that you could possibly get about your parent. Divorce? Maybe an adulterous affair? Selling your childhood home, & moving? ... I think what I have heard today trumps alllll.
My. Mother. Has. ( very aggressive colon) C. A. N. C. E .r.
Yes. cancercancercancer... As I write this, I'm acutely aware of the tightening in my chest. The shallow breathing I seem to be now only capable of... My mind is a blaze of thoughts of years past. Anger from my childhood for a mother who wasn't what we needed. Brokenness. All lay like pieces of a shattered mirror. She has suffered for years in an abusive relationship. Her body is still suffering for it. Drug addiction, healed. By the grace of God. Last year surrendered her life to the healing resurrected power of the Almighty Christ. & now cancer??? The pain I feel is palpable... My head is chalk full of wisdom, hope, faith that that I would have for you should you ever come to me with this devastation. ( I pray not...) But right now, I have nothing... I'm on the verge of what surely is a nervous breakdown?. Surely not!. I'm a believer. I've seen mountains MOVE!. I've seen relationships restored!!
I know that digging deep is about to be required of me, & right now, I just don't have it in me. Please, will you pray? I know He is mighty to save... Faithful. & thats all I know. Thank you for reading my rambling... LA
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hi Dolls! As I was cruising around all of the changes Blogger has made recently I decided to try this on for size. Not sure what I think yet...
On to other business, how in the world is it already nearing the end of March? Wow, Easter is right around the corner!. I joked the other day on FB about having the girls & I wear matching dresses & Chris matching Polo. At first it sounded lame, but the more and more I was challenged the more I warmed up to the idea. (however, getting 3 fashionistas to agree is a totally different story, so we shall see ;)
Soooo much happening here in Allentown. We recently got the twins a car. Its a cute little red 4 door STANDARD!! I emphasise the word " standard" because its become somewhat of a challenge to get driving time in, its taking somewhat longer to master the clutch (as many of you stick drivers realize!) It ain't for sissies, & we have 2 trying to learn it at the same time. God help us! I joke I joke. I actually first learned to drive a standard & still love it to this day. Once you master that you can drive a wimpy old Automatic with ease!! (or at least that's what I'm telling them!! :)
We are also rounding the last leg of shcool before summer & here in the Allen home we get what I refer to as "shortimers fever", then have to sprint the last leg because there has been so much dilly dallying. (we do Virtual Academy, & thankfully, those teachers don't mess around!).
There's already talk of Prom, lil P's 3 week annual trek to Michigan, Summer Vacations & Church Camp. (once again on the Beach, who wouldn't already be longing for that I ask you??!) So I've got to keep the girls moving along. But what keeps me moving along? Hmm, if I'm being honest, I really haven't thought about it?. I guess I would have to say... Prob that I want them to do well , have grades that will catapult them into College with ease & then into Fantastic Vocations... ( doesn't every mother want this? :0/ ). On we march for the A!! ( OK, B maybe -?? I'm just being realistic! ;)
Speaking of prom, the girls (who got home from working a 5th & 6th grade lock in this morning at 8 am) have friends coming over to do a trial run for prom hair, which is in 3 weeks but its been all they have talked about for 2 months... Is this normal??) & ding dong, I hear the door bell, so I guess they have arrived!.
I remind myself allot lately about how much I'm going to miss this time in our lives. I know I will. I was born to be a mom, but I really stunk at it early on. ( before I knew Jesus quite truly...) I was selfish, self centered, self seeking & ill equip to handle their needs & felt like I was robbed of having my time in the sun. The lies satan tell, &we believe!. It makes me sad that I didn't give them the very best start that I could have , should have. So, I spend allot of time thinking about what I needed from my mom when I was that age ( that she wasn't very good at giving to me, & I'll be danged if I'm not going to work and Pray my butt off to change that so that the next little Allen- McMinn youngins are headed in the right direction that much sooner.)
You cant undo the past but you can take your lumps, dig really deep, deeper than I ever knew I had in me, & let your love for them inspire you to heal the past & move foreword, letting God do the work. Don't think that I don't say to my God " what do I do here Lord? I don't have the answers!!!" (because, I very rarely do). So, I just cling to the promises & move foreword doing the very best that I can. Somehow, because of HIS faithfulness, that's enough. God is faithful. Faithful beyond human faithfulness -He is Mighty to Save. Without that little Gem, I couldn't walk through any of this. So YAY that my girls that get the benefit of a mom saved by grace, face down, daily walking with the Lord of Lords , convicted of a dark heart, seeking to do battle with a very -real -enemy , on their behalf!! Woootwooot!!!
Hmmm, I can hear them in their right now talking about up do's & hair clips. I wonder if I can sneak in and snap some during & afters??
Stay tuned, If I do get to, I'll post them on Twitter!! :) ( you can add me , the info is on my side bar :)
Thanks for stopping over, I would love to hear your thoughts, please don't leave without at least saying hi!! LYLAS/B ♥ LA
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I’m running back to Your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me, by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache, can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I, keep asking why, I keep asking why...No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what... When I’m stuck in this nothing-ness by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know you have your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you'll be my strength... No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I took a stroll through my side bar last night and was saddened to see that so many others had also either closed their blogs or had taken up to a years hiatus. Its funny that when you start out on the blog journey its really a choice that you make to make public all of your family stuff. The good times, heart breaks, challenges, victories, and often times the dark parts of you that your struggling with . You think that sharing might help someone going through rough times. Maybe minister to them, give them hope. I thought I could be that, do that, share that, but what I found was that during a very difficult time in my life, the things I was sharing here were being used against me, used to hurt me. So this blog became a source of pain and anger for me instead of what it was meant to be, a place to share my heart and life with friends and loved ones. I started to wonder what had taken place in my bloggy friends lives that would have them not returning to their blog. Obviously they had attempted to do the same thing I had with hope for it and an expectancy of what it would be to them. The person that caused me so much pain is still around. In fact, hasn't changed one bit except has seemingly gotten even better at not being very Christlike and has moved on to continue to hurt and take advantage of other people (whom I pray have a close enough relationship with the Lord to learn the lesson I had to learn, way before I did). Which brings me to my long winded point. One very valuable lesson that Ive learned is while " I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" what does God promise us? That it will be easy, nope. That we can get revenge on that person? No. For me it is that although I allowed what was going on to deeply hurt me (and cause me to for quite a while to kick scream wallow and get very depressed) He. never. left. me. His promises were and are true (despite my circumstances) and that if I can just believe Him through these trials He promises to refine me, make me into what I was created to be and bless me for my obedience!!. ( although He does also promise that He will [defend] me, [protect] me and be the final judge for all things done good or bad, but thinking about those things will keep you in bondage to that situation. You must forgive to truly be set free!) . Whew. He must really think I'm something ( and He does you too!!). And because He does, it has given me the courage and strength to rise above the ashes and once again set claim to the things satan tried to steal from me, one of which is the joy this blog and all of its attributes brought me. (&You dear friend are one of those attributes). I'm sure you are prob wondering why in the world I'm being so candid here once more after just having shared all that with you. Well, honestly right now at this moment I'm really not sure except to say, I know this life is a journey, and Ive given this little bump in the road WAY to much of my time and energy. I'm ready to get on down the road. Wanna take a ride??
Till next time (very soon, I gatta lot to say ;)
Till next time (very soon, I gatta lot to say ;)