Monday, June 27, 2011
(It might be an LAism... I'm really not sure, so I 'll break it down for ya. ;)
This (as 99.9% of you know given my feed #'s) has probably been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, for ovbious (& not so ovbious) reasons. The Kalyb thing shook me to my very core. WOW!. NOTHING can ever prepare you as a mom to watch your baby struggle to survive through something so earth shattering. (I well up inside even writing this). Life basically stood still. And, tho he survived ( to only the Glory of God!) the aftermath can really only be compared to something extremely close to PPD... Bouts of random crying, SERIOUS depression, overwhelmedness- you get the picture...
Just prior to getting the news of his accidental shooting , we had planned a trip to Las Vegas with friends . (Chris & I had neither one ever been, so at the time we were very excited about it).
Slowly in the weeks preceding the shooting I started to focus on this trip together. It became something I really I looked fwd to & it helped me to somewhat start to pull out from under the gray cloud that had set up residence over my home... For unforseen reasons we ended up coming, just the two of us. (I'm actually at the Paris LV sittting by the pool while writing this). We have had a really good time. We ( I ) really needed it, but I have felt feelings of the PPD start to creeeep back in & it's ticking me OFF! Ugh. If I may, I would like to share with you the things I have used to help me try & get over this... The "blessings" that I focus on. I am loved & in a deep relationship with my Heavenly Father, married to a man that accepts me right where I am, flaws, warts & all &, have 5 amazing children. Kalyb is healing & day by day returning to his old self PTL!. I am in a wonderful church & lead (if that's what you call it :) our Womens Ministry Team. God is really blessing our little business, & I have some of the most amazing Godly sister friend's & family. I know that I am blessed & well meaning friend's literally say things like" I wish I could just run off to Vegas" or " What do you have to be depressed about?. Your life is so awesome" . Blahh blahh blah... Ovbiously, it has nothing to do with "my life!"... Please hear my heart, I am by no means bragging, quite the opposite. Inspite of all of this, still I feel such oppression if I am not constantly seeking God & pressing in... Sounds insane, right???. I know. Makes no sence- what.so.ever...
Even now, being here, breeze blowing, sun shining, I am sadly having to capture thoughts & bring them under authority... I know Gods is faithful. So seriously AWESOME.!!. And, I know that He is strengthening me. So, I will continue to press in, soak up these last few precious hours with my man & praise God, even through the valley's... I have been posting pics on FB of our trip. We have had a fantastic time & getting some great couple time in, not to mention the shopping!. (which btw can also become a vice. I have found that sometimes when I am struggling I want "shoppin therapy", which in no way does anything to help me feel better after I have forked over the cash - if you are saying an " Amen!!" right now, see that for what it is- empty!!). I am now getting off my broken down, tattered, soap box & off to hit the town with my man!. If you identify with these type feelings, please be encouraged. You are not alone, & even tho this is NOT a fun experience, He know's, He promised to never leave or forsake us, & this is for His glory. HANG ON & press IN. Thanks for reading & for goodness sakes, TALK to someone SAFE. (I have 2 really incredible safe friends I can "go there" with & it really makes all the diff...).
Till next time, LYLAS. LA
PS. comments let me connect with you so plz don't leave without leaving one ;)
Monday, June 13, 2011
I am home & my boy has been released & home now too, healing. I should be jubilent. But, truthfully I'm not. Somthing is looming over me & I feel pressed down. When I think about all that Gods is doing/has done in my life I ask myself what is wrong with me?. I really am so stinking blessed. I am wrestling. With my mind, worry, stress, oppression. God's word says we are to walk in the fullness of His Blessings, By faith. I have been daily, hourly, putting that on like a salve because I know the signs of deceit. Yet still I am disconnected. Kalyb had such a tough battle ahead of him laying in the SICU. I knew God had a purpose in all of it & I was pretty sure I knew what that was. (I think you do too). I am so thankful for that. I should be on top of the world, right?. But the opposite is true. It took such a huge toll on me emotionally. I look at all that is required of me & I feel - see that right there, thats the problem. I'm looking at all that we as a family have going on & I lose perspective. So many things, stressful things going on. Kait is off living a life far removed from her faith. If I reeeeeeaaly allowed myself to go there, I might not be able to stand. I know all the " God's got it, She's His not mine, She's been raised in the truth, she'll be back...'s" But Im sad. We are missing out on so much time. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. With her, or Kalyb. I am a woman of God who had seen amazing miraculous signs & wonders yet here I am unable to connect with who I am in Him. So, I keep walking. Believing. Claiming. Trusting, inspite of the fact that I am teetering. Am I making sence?. Have you ever been here?. The message yesterday was amazing. It talked about Zacharias & his relationship with God. His visions. God used him in very unconventional ways, for His purpose. Inspite of myself, that is what I'm believing He is doing in my family. ( I honestly do trust Him completely. I just wish I could be free from whatever is hanging over me so that I could have Joy about what He is up to)... Sorry for the rambling. I am always so candid here, amoung all of you... Please pray for me & this seperation & depression. -This is a good reminder that even though we are believers we will have struggles. (He doesn't ever say we won't, He does however promise to hold onto our hand through them...). Thank you Father!. Welp, I have my precious Uncle' s funeral to pack for, inlaws arriving in a few days to clean for, & my mom & sister moving in next week to prepare for... So, peace out & thank you! LA