One Family's Journey through " Trials, Triump's & The Teen Years"...

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Monday, June 13, 2011

I don't, as of yet...


I am home & my boy has been released & home now too, healing. I should be jubilent. But, truthfully I'm not. Somthing is looming over me & I feel pressed down. When I think about all that Gods is doing/has done in my life I ask myself what is wrong with me?. I really am so stinking blessed. I am wrestling. With my mind, worry, stress, oppression. God's word says we are to walk in the fullness of His Blessings, By faith. I have been daily, hourly, putting that on like a salve because I know the signs of deceit. Yet still I am disconnected. Kalyb had such a tough battle ahead of him laying in the SICU. I knew God had a purpose in all of it & I  was pretty sure I knew what that was. (I think you do too).  I am so thankful for that. I should be on top of the world, right?.  But the opposite is true. It took such a huge toll on me emotionally. I  look at all that is required of me & I feel - see that right there, thats the problem. I'm looking at all that we as a family have going on & I lose perspective. So many things, stressful things going on.  Kait is off living a life far removed from her faith. If I reeeeeeaaly allowed myself to go there, I might not be able to stand. I know all the " God's got it, She's His not mine, She's been raised in the truth, she'll be back...'s" But Im sad. We are missing out on so much time. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. With her, or Kalyb. I am a woman of God who had seen amazing miraculous signs & wonders yet here I am unable to connect with who I am in Him. So, I keep walking. Believing. Claiming. Trusting, inspite of the fact that I am teetering.  Am I making sence?. Have you ever been here?. The message yesterday was amazing. It talked about Zacharias & his relationship with God. His visions. God used him in very unconventional ways, for His purpose. Inspite of myself,  that is what I'm believing He is doing in my family. ( I honestly do trust Him completely. I just wish I could be free from whatever is hanging over me so that I could have Joy about what He is up to)... Sorry for the rambling. I am always so candid here, amoung all of you... Please pray for me & this seperation & depression. -This is a good reminder that even though we are believers we will have struggles. (He doesn't ever say we won't, He does however promise to hold onto our hand through them...).  Thank you Father!. Welp,  I have my precious Uncle' s funeral to pack for, inlaws arriving in a few days to clean for,  & my mom & sister moving in next week to prepare for...  So, peace out & thank you! LA


11 comments:

Toni said...

Sounds like you know what to do and that you're doing it. Tie a knot and hang on. He'll see you through.

christy said...

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other on you walk with God and before you know it you'll be out of the dark.

Penny said...

Leah....We don't know each other very well but to me it sounds like you're mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Take some time for yourself to recover from what you've been through. The near loss of a child is very consuming. Remember...even God rested on the 7th day.

Angela said...

Feelings? Is that the gooey stuff I am hearing? Your feelings will betray you. This is the flaw of humanity. In the words of my two year old....SUCK IT UP! Fake it till you feel it. God honors your actions, not your feelings. I think a better word is "seasons". We all have em. I sincerely see you in a season of incredible growth. This season is painful and uncomfortable in the best possible way:)

Josh and Gwen Lillard said...

I love your heart and ability to be so candid and open even with your shortcomings! I'm so sorry Leah that you are dealing with something so difficult...I have no advice or wonderful words of wisdom that will lighten your load or allow you to get the ah'ha moment you need...I know your faith is strong and we get to choose to believe and receive and you are healing, recovering, and you have children who are looking to you!! Keep your chin up! That doesn't mean it won't be hard, and when we get knocked down it won't hurt...sheesh, pain stretches us, but it is pain! I'm praying for you, and for your kids...esp. the ones who know the way, and aren't living it...Bless you Leah, may you feel the presence of your father who promised you he would never leave you or forsake you!

Leslie said...

I'll keep praying for you, my friend. Your family has been through so much. Just remember that God is good...all the time! ((hugs))

Fingertip Offerings said...

I often feel the same way after being tested. Remember how Jesus was ministered to after His trial in the wilderness. This life is tough on the body and soul. But as Steven Curtis Chapman sang, "Don't Let The Fire
Die" :)

Robyn said...

Sounds like you're mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Take some time for you, and rest as much as you can in him. I have no wonderful words of advice. I know I am feeling a bit like you and I have not even been through what you and your family have. I guess you could say I'm emotionally drained for other reasons.

Cathy said...

Wow Leah, I can't imagine the stress and emotional roller coaster you have been on lately. I think the words of one of the earlier posts hit the nail on the head, this is a season of tremendous growth for you. Also, remember the Sabbath, God's provision for His weary people, a day of rest.

considerthelillies said...

sorry for what you are going through! try to remember you aren't doing anything wrong. God promises to be our strength in weakness, we can even boast about our weaknesses! I must be a real braggart then!

Joanne said...

Thank God your son is Home! You have been through so much. I know you as a Mom felt every pain that your son felt.You also need time to heal just like your son except your wounds are inside. Its almost like post traumatic stress disorder. You had been in a constant state of stress horrible stress. It is not easy to return to normal. Keep God close and you will too heal from this. Prayers for you and your son. Blessings, Joanne