Our family's journey, & all the bumps & bruises along the way...


Monday, March 29, 2010

What is it really??

Oh, Yay, we are going to talk about "Forgivness".~ DO NOT HIT THE BIG RED X IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER, I seeeeeee YOU!! ;) **Well, maybe more about my struggle with it( among other things). The Bible speaks forgivness & I'm preeeetty certain that everyone reading this has someone (s) in their life that they can think of right now that they know they need to forgive?!. (Im not judging) . The good Book says that we are to turn our cheek 7x70 times. Also, that our Heavenly Father will judge us the same way we judge others, and so on and on... And, here's the rub~ we are all called to forgive, despite the other persons deservidness. Good stuff right!!... Well, I have this problem. I am given opportunities often to overcome this little issue that I struggle with and often I fail at. Its called "Justice".I .Want. Justice. When someone wrongs me, I want justice. If you are my friend, and you get wronged, yep. I want justice for you... Well, justice,mercy & forgivness dont really go hand in hand... If Im waiting for them to pay for what they have done~ for the truth to be revealed~ for them to be held responsible, then I am not walking in forgivness. The problem with me not being able to accept them not paying the piper seems to be a running theme in my life ( hence the " I keep getting opportunities to overcome") is because the Lord continues to allow me to be in situations where things happen and I'm the one that has to have all the yucky poop squeezed out of me. (stuff that I know He wants me free'd from because it isnt Christ like. But, what about them Lord?. Why do they continue to be allowed to do wrong; lie, cheat, decieve, portray themselves as somthing that is soooo ovbious to me & seemingly only me) that they are NOT, "yet noone else can see it" type stuff.. This is all really ugly. Im not proud of it. It makes me deal with things that I dont want to think are even inside my heart. But if it wernt in there, I wouldnt do, feel or think them, right?
In the past I could pray & have a peace knowing , one way or another, that I would be delivered, God would be glorified & also show me the way to handle it. Now, I am in a season of raising my 3 teens & their younger sister & for whatever reason, just can't find it in me...
The older 3 girls's pop ( I dont call him their dad, he isnt. A dad sends birthday cards, is dependable, calls on special occasions even when he is 2000 miles away, makes you a priority. My husband is the one that holds them , loves them, talk & prays with them. When they have had a bad day he's the go to guy & deals with all the emotional teen girl drama along side me~ thats a dad... See, I told you..)
I digress, Im finding more & more in the season of life that I'm in there just seems to be quite a bit of yuckyness in me. I think that I am just in such as state of constant stress that all of my emotions are right at the top, just under the surface. I'm just not dealing with things very well. How do people do it? How do people have a functioning, normal life, a thriving marriage, dedicate time to friends & other family, all the while managing to raise teens?? It is so far beyond me.
The reason I mention all of this is because prior to the past 3 years, I feel like I cared more about things. I was way more patient. I would have considered things before I just said no. I was more gentle and loving. I feel like she's gone? ( I'm praying she isn't, I really liked her so very much more. I know my husband did too, & I grieve for her return.)
Which brings me back to forgivness. Because I am feeling like Im in a fight for my life every single day here at home, when something else happens that adds to my daily stress, I dont seem to have the capacity to even deal. I just have a "not very nice thought" and simply move on. Wheres the freedom in that? Where are the years I have spent seeking God? The peace that I had before this season in my life when I could just lay it down? The time I put in growing should account for something, right? Is anyone tracking with me, or am I insane?...
For instance: In the past with the girls pop, I knew he wasnt in a good place & I would give him so much grace. I would oftentimes tell the girls about how difficult his life is & how his choices have led to the place he finds himself in now, that they needed to pray for him & offer him forgivness. I would infuse hope into all conversations about him. Now, I just almost snarl. Its been 10 + years and he hasnt changes a bit. He hasn't really ever helped support them & my hubz hasn't ever held the slightest grudge. He feels like they are his and he will do whats necessary to provide. He says "God is our provider , & thats that..." I have always agreed, until recently. I can't hardly even stomach the whole thing anymore. I know it isn't Christlike. I just can't deal with it & I feel like I just can't pretend anymore. So, I just sit quietly instead of trying to defend him to them. Thats just one example of my new & un~improved attitude. Im bringing this into the light because I need help. I want freedom. I also want to know if I am alone alone in this or if this is truly just a season that I'm in. (I have also wondered lately if its pre menapause? Maybe I need anti depressants? Eather way, its bondage & I. want. freedom).
Thanks for reading peeps. I feel like I don't even want to share this now after reading it, but I'm going to. I need advice, & where better to get it than from all of you, ladies who eather; are that mom too, have had that mom, been that mom, had this struggle, or know somone who did/does...
Sorry so serious girlz. I know you prob came here maybe needing a laugh, to look at some cute pics, or read somthing lite hearted, but today~ this is where I'm at & hopfully not for long ;)
Ok, off to visit you now, make me laugh ladies!! ;) JK, Maybe you've got stuff going on, & if so, I'm your girl. I would love to pray for you or offer any advice. (I know given my prior confession you might be prone not to want to share, but I'm great at helping you, just not so good at helping me... ;)


Muthering Heights said...

Forgiveness can be a tough topic...you tackled it well!

Brittany said...

What a beautiful piece. Forgivness is the hardest but most rewarding thing that I've learned in life.

I was thinking... "ohhh I dont have anyone I need to forgive.. i'm pretty good about that.." when all of a sudden five names came to my head. Little grudges I was holding on to. Even with practice it can still be hard to do fully!

You've inspired me!

Brittany said...

What a beautiful piece. Forgivness is the hardest but most rewarding thing that I've learned in life.

I was thinking... "ohhh I dont have anyone I need to forgive.. i'm pretty good about that.." when all of a sudden five names came to my head. Little grudges I was holding on to. Even with practice it can still be hard to do fully!

You've inspired me!

50centlove said...

Yep I hear ya. Have you ever done Beth Moore's study Breaking the Chains?

Alicia said...

What I've learned over time was that forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the other person. This way we don't have that root of bitterness. We can't control how someone else behaves. That is between them and the Lord. I would just encourage you to pray and ask the Lord to reveal to you what is in your heart.

JennyMac said...

Forgiveness is a hurdle sometimes but it is always one that you feel better after overcoming. Grudges only hurt the people who hold them.

Julie Harward said...

Thanks for the visit and kindness. Your girls are all so cute :D

Genny said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts so honestly in this post. I think you touch on some important things about forgiveness. It can be so hard to do sometimes, yet there is so much freedom in it.

I truly hope this situation gets better and you are feeling less discouraged soon!


Fuschia said...

I heard a woman of God say it this way: "When you forgive, YOU go FREE!"

Forgiveness isn't about the other person changing, but it can be about not putting yourself in the painful situation again. Perhaps your role with your girls could be one of helping them NOT expect their father to change. Instead of trying to offer hope, which is ultimately crushed, you could offer them the tools with which to accept whatever he can give. Help them learn to lean on God and allow HIm to fill in the gaps.

It sounds like He is using your husband to do that! Isn't God good?!

Hope I haven't overstepped here...this is my first visit to your blog. Family ministry is what my hubs and I do, though. Kinda can't help it ;)

Last thing: I HIGHLY recommend the book "Captivating" by Stasi Eldridge!!! Especially for your teenage girls.

Blessings to you and yours.

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

love this post. thanks for being open and completely honest. i feel the exact way all the time. sometimes i feel like i'm digressing, because i recognize my sin so much more than i used to. but, i think the closer you get to Jesus and His perfection, the more you realize how sinful you are and become more grateful for His grace! forgiveness is such a constant battle for me... thank goodness the Lord is patient and full of mercy!

Maria said...

Hi Leah~
All the comments here so far are wonderful~
I love this passage from the book THE TALE OF DESPEREAUX by Kate DiCamillo:
"Despereaux looked at his father, at his grey-streaked fur and trembling whiskers and his front paws clasped together in front of his heart, and he felt suddenly as if his own heart would break in two. His father looked so small, so sad.
"Forgive me," said Lester agin.
Forgiveness, reader, is, I think, something very much like hope and love - a powerful, wonderful thing.
And a ridiculous thing, too.
Isn't it ridiculous, after all, to think that a son could forgive his father for beating the drum that sent him to his death? Isn't it ridiculous to think that a mouse ever could forgive anyone for such perfidy?
But still, here are the words Despereaux Tilling spoke to his father. He said, "I forgive you, Pa."
And he said those words because he sensed it was the only way to save his own heart, to stop it from breaking in two. Despereaux, reader, spoke those words to save himself."

---My three children are grown and out of the house---
One thing I do know, I had to get some fresh air every day... I needed to room, space and air to breath freely and freshly--- so that I could carry on ~
God bless you, Leah ~ You are never alone!

Sara said...

Hi Leah,
Thank you for this post! I needed to hear about forgiveness cause right now I am having trouble forgiving a family member.

Your post was beatiful and honest.
Have a great day,

kenziekylanmom said...

Forgiveness is freedom my friend! I love you and I'm so happy you are moving forward, I know it's been hard but you are a strong woman of God.
Love ya much,

Traci said...

Well, this is my first time here and it is just fine that it is not a cute picture day. That's the great thing about blogging. We can put what we are feeling out there and there is always someone out there to say "I understand" and I do. I understand. I would love to walk in the light and share that light with all, especially with those that have hurt me or more, have hurt those that I love. But I don't always. Some days I am way in the territory of being judged because I am so sitting in judgement of others. I'm sorry to say that but it is true.

But that's what is great about God. Because He knows your heart and he isn't giving up on you, so you don't either. You obviously love deeply and have a huge heart. Each day you have a new chance to live as you believe. We all do. So thank you for speaking what many of us feel and know that you are not alone. Not by a LONG shot.

Thanks for coming by to visit me. I will be following you in the future.

Darlene said...

This is a great post and forgiveness is sometime SOOOOO hard yet you feel so much better when you can do it. Thanks so much for visiting so I could come and visit you.

We are in Southern Oklahoma near Ardmore. We have been in this area about 16 years and love it!! Glad to meet a fellow Okie!♥

Darlene said...

Oh, and the concert was FABULOUS!!!! I'll post about it and share pictures next week.

Tracy said...

Adore your transparency here. Reminds me of a favorite proverb from Proverbs 28:13:
"He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion."
I think that everyone reading this has compassion on what you're going through. I think everyone can relate to struggling with forgiveness (I know I can!)
With Easter approaching I'm filled with gratitude that Jesus died on the cross for my wrongdoing and chooses to offer me forgiveness.

Farmgirl Paints said...

Great post. I can say I've forgiven, yet I will bring up the subject again and again to anyone who will listen...oops! I guess I need to really let it go.

Tracy said...

I did not come to laugh, just to hear your heart. I got it.

I am praying for you right now. That woman is not gone. You will be overwhelmed by the refreshment and grace of the Father, again. Right now is that season to hold on by the tips of your fingernails, but He will bring you into the valley to rest. He is showing you that you are right...this cannot be done by you alone. It simply cannot.

Hang in there, Leah. You are on your way.

蚵仔麵線Jeff said...


sanjeet said...

What a beautiful piece. Forgivness is the hardest but most rewarding thing that I've learned in life.
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