Oh, Yay, we are going to talk about "Forgivness".~ DO NOT HIT THE BIG RED X IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER, I seeeeeee YOU!! ;) **Well, maybe more about my struggle with it( among other things). The Bible speaks forgivness & I'm preeeetty certain that everyone reading this has someone (s) in their life that they can think of right now that they know they need to forgive?!. (Im not judging) . The good Book says that we are to turn our cheek 7x70 times. Also, that our Heavenly Father will judge us the same way we judge others, and so on and on... And, here's the rub~ we are all called to forgive, despite the other persons deservidness. Good stuff right!!... Well, I have this problem. I am given opportunities often to overcome this little issue that I struggle with and often I fail at. Its called "Justice".I .Want. Justice. When someone wrongs me, I want justice. If you are my friend, and you get wronged, yep. I want justice for you... Well, justice,mercy & forgivness dont really go hand in hand... If Im waiting for them to pay for what they have done~ for the truth to be revealed~ for them to be held responsible, then I am not walking in forgivness. The problem with me not being able to accept them not paying the piper seems to be a running theme in my life ( hence the " I keep getting opportunities to overcome") is because the Lord continues to allow me to be in situations where things happen and I'm the one that has to have all the yucky poop squeezed out of me. (stuff that I know He wants me free'd from because it isnt Christ like. But, what about them Lord?. Why do they continue to be allowed to do wrong; lie, cheat, decieve, portray themselves as somthing that is soooo ovbious to me & seemingly only me) that they are NOT, "yet noone else can see it" type stuff.. This is all really ugly. Im not proud of it. It makes me deal with things that I dont want to think are even inside my heart. But if it wernt in there, I wouldnt do, feel or think them, right?
In the past I could pray & have a peace knowing , one way or another, that I would be delivered, God would be glorified & also show me the way to handle it. Now, I am in a season of raising my 3 teens & their younger sister & for whatever reason, just can't find it in me...
The older 3 girls's pop ( I dont call him their dad, he isnt. A dad sends birthday cards, is dependable, calls on special occasions even when he is 2000 miles away, makes you a priority. My husband is the one that holds them , loves them, talk & prays with them. When they have had a bad day he's the go to guy & deals with all the emotional teen girl drama along side me~ thats a dad... See, I told you..)
I digress, Im finding more & more in the season of life that I'm in there just seems to be quite a bit of yuckyness in me. I think that I am just in such as state of constant stress that all of my emotions are right at the top, just under the surface. I'm just not dealing with things very well. How do people do it? How do people have a functioning, normal life, a thriving marriage, dedicate time to friends & other family, all the while managing to raise teens?? It is so far beyond me.
The reason I mention all of this is because prior to the past 3 years, I feel like I cared more about things. I was way more patient. I would have considered things before I just said no. I was more gentle and loving. I feel like she's gone? ( I'm praying she isn't, I really liked her so very much more. I know my husband did too, & I grieve for her return.)
Which brings me back to forgivness. Because I am feeling like Im in a fight for my life every single day here at home, when something else happens that adds to my daily stress, I dont seem to have the capacity to even deal. I just have a "not very nice thought" and simply move on. Wheres the freedom in that? Where are the years I have spent seeking God? The peace that I had before this season in my life when I could just lay it down? The time I put in growing should account for something, right? Is anyone tracking with me, or am I insane?...
For instance: In the past with the girls pop, I knew he wasnt in a good place & I would give him so much grace. I would oftentimes tell the girls about how difficult his life is & how his choices have led to the place he finds himself in now, that they needed to pray for him & offer him forgivness. I would infuse hope into all conversations about him. Now, I just almost snarl. Its been 10 + years and he hasnt changes a bit. He hasn't really ever helped support them & my hubz hasn't ever held the slightest grudge. He feels like they are his and he will do whats necessary to provide. He says "God is our provider , & thats that..." I have always agreed, until recently. I can't hardly even stomach the whole thing anymore. I know it isn't Christlike. I just can't deal with it & I feel like I just can't pretend anymore. So, I just sit quietly instead of trying to defend him to them. Thats just one example of my new & un~improved attitude. Im bringing this into the light because I need help. I want freedom. I also want to know if I am alone alone in this or if this is truly just a season that I'm in. (I have also wondered lately if its pre menapause? Maybe I need anti depressants? Eather way, its bondage & I. want. freedom).
Thanks for reading peeps. I feel like I don't even want to share this now after reading it, but I'm going to. I need advice, & where better to get it than from all of you, ladies who eather; are that mom too, have had that mom, been that mom, had this struggle, or know somone who did/does...
Sorry so serious girlz. I know you prob came here maybe needing a laugh, to look at some cute pics, or read somthing lite hearted, but today~ this is where I'm at & hopfully not for long ;)
Ok, off to visit you now, make me laugh ladies!! ;) JK, Maybe you've got stuff going on, & if so, I'm your girl. I would love to pray for you or offer any advice. (I know given my prior confession you might be prone not to want to share, but I'm great at helping you, just not so good at helping me... ;)