Our family's journey, & all the bumps & bruises along the way...

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Friday, January 9, 2009

I have a Confession...Very Personal....

Let me first start by saying that I love the Lord. I rededicated my life 6 years ago. I love knowing that I am not the bottom line, that I have a place I can go where I get rest & answers to those problems that plague us in this fallen world. That being said, I am really struggling & for whatever reason those answers just aren't coming right now... I am ashamed to say that I have had this pious attitude since becoming born again, that nothing could make me walk away from my relationship with God. I shared with Ang a few minutes ago that I read "When Godly People Do UnGodly things" by Beth Moore last year I said right out loud that nothing could make me walk away from my relationship with God. Well, I never should have said that, I think it issued a challenge. For the past 4 months I have been going through somethings that have shaken my resolve & caused me to stumble in my walk in a way that I never would have thought possible. I haven't sinned in it, but I have grown very cold in my conviction level and my faith has waiverd. It first came in the form of my dear "Christian" friend whom I loved & trusted more than any earth bound person other than my Hubbs. We had had our ups and downs over the past few years & at times I wondered what the Lord had her in my life for, but I truly believed that He was using our relationship to work the off rough edges in me... Like sandpaper. I was very wrong. She totally destroyed my reputation, my faith in her & ruined friendships with myself and my other friends. She also would say things to me about others that caused me to alienate myself from them and not give them a chance, I am very sorrowful that I allowed this to happen and I have & will ask for forgiveness.. I know that what she did will be revealed, but I have struggled with the anger that I feel and the depths that she was willing to go to to hurt me...
I am really working on forgiving her in spite of her NOT deserving it. Not an easy task and I am not about to say that I have it down, I don't yet. But I do know God is faithful.. (honestly, I say this more for my benefit than for you...)
I am also trying to be thankful that these other relationships have been culled from my life because as a Christ Follower we are called to forgive & love. I have recieved neither from them...
Recently I have once again been faced with something that I am ill equipt to handel. I am going through something with one of my daughters that has overwhelmed me in a way that I cannot even describe. I just keep clinging to the scriptures about teaching them about Him and they will not depart from it. But I am ANGRYYYYY! I know that's not the "Christian" thing to say, but I'm being totally honest here as the tears stream down my face. I'm angry and so confused/ I don't know how to do this. I have no idea what I'm doing and I am fighting the fleshly instinct I have to cut & run......
I don't know why I'm sharing this with all of you, except to say that I am drowning and would really love it if you would pray for me. I am so tired of trying to fight this on my own , so I am bringing it out into the light.
 If you feel compelled to talk to me about any of this, I will be happy to share with you what's going on with my girl, I could surly use the council, but I will not be going into anymore detail about the frienemey, I would very certainly sin in talking further about it....
Thanks peeps and I appreciate you... LA

Do Not Fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

34 comments:

chacha said...

It's great that you were able to see through the former friend's actions and that they were hurting you and others.

I hope that whatever is going on with your daughter works itself out soon. I wish I could say I could be of good counsel to you but I have not a single little one so experience in being a parent is slim-to-none, over here. Regardless, we are here to listen, so if you need to work things out of your head, your blog friends are here.

Valarie Lea said...

Been there with the frienemy and I agree, best not to discuss it.

As far as the girls, well I am one out of five girls and have two of my own. I was a teen mother and so was my sister, and a product of a divorced home. Needless to say I have been through alot and seen alot. So lay it on me, I might can help. :)

Alicia said...

Hi Diane. I'm glad you asked for prayer and council. The enemy would like nothing more than for you to keep it to yourself. The scripture that came to mind when reading the first part of your post is that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The most important thing is recognizing sin and then repenting. God will work in your heart, but I suggest praying for this friend. You can't love her in your flesh, and the only way to forgive her is through the Holy Spirit. So, I'l be praying for that, and all the division that was caused. Darkness hates light, and in Gods time, the truth will be revealed. Just keep clinging to God and who He is, and His character. He has his enemies too, so He knows how you feel..better than any of us.

As far as your daughter, I will be praying for her. If you feel comfortable, you can email me and I can specifically pray for her. The enemy is working overtime especially now that I feel that we are in the end times. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, and wants to bring as many people and Christians down with him. We already won that battle with Jesus, so we just have to press on, and stay focused on Him.

God bless you..and my email is aliciaminyard@yahoo.com

CIRCLE OF LIFE said...

THERE ARE TIMES WE FEEL ALONE ANGRY AND HURT FEAR NOT JESUS IS THERE ON YOUR TEAM. I CALL THIS TEAM THE JESUS TEAM. HE IS THE NUMBER ONE SUPPORTER HE IS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU THINK IS NOT. HE LISTENS WHEN YOU THINK HE IS NOT. ITS HARD TO SAY DO NOT BE ANGREY , YOU CAN BE ANGREY BUT TALK TO JESUS AND HE WILL HELP YOU WORK IT OUT. YOUR FRIEND WHAT EVER SHE DID YES IT HURT YOU BUT LET JESUS DEFEND YOU BATTELS FOR YOU, HE SEE' S EVERY THING HE KNOWS AND HE WILL DELIVER A MESSAGE IN GOOD TIME THAT USUALLY HITS YOU DEAD ON AND MAKES YOU BELIEVE MORE AND MORE. I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH HE IS A ROCK AND CAN WITH STAND ANYTHING AFTER ALL HE DIED FOR US TO FREE US . I THINK HIS HURT AND PAIN OUT WEIGHS A FIGHT WITH A FRIEND. FORGIVING IS HARD IF THAT PERSON IS HURTING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY JESUS DOES NOT SAY BE FRIENDLY WITH THE ONES THAT HURT YOU . BUT BE KIND AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF THE BATTLE .

ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER KEEP THE STRONG FAITH AND CONNECTION WITH JESUS I LOVE THE BETH MORE books they are awesome if you have not get the beth more stepping up the journey of the psalms . the connection with jesus is so powerful. HE WILL HELP YOU DEAL WITH THE HARDEST ISSUE'S YOU COULD BE FACING WITH GUIDENCE AND HIS WISDOM. BEING A PARENT SURE IS NOT EASY , ISSUES THAT WE ALL DEAL WITH , AS MY MOTHER NOTe'S IT'S PAY BACK BUT OUR FATHER SAY'S FEAR NOT IN GOOD TIME THINGS WILL CHANGE. GIVE him YOUR STRONG LOVE AND GUIDENCE.

I PRAY THAT GOD CONTINUES TO STAY IN YOUR LIFE THAT HE GIVE'S YOU THAT POWER STRENGTH THAT YOU SO NEED THAT HE IS YOUR EVERY THING YOUR ROCK, YOUr TRUE LOVE.


ASK ,AND GOD WILL GIVE TO YOU.
SEARCH,AND YOU WILL FIND.
MATTHEW 7:7

I EXCEPT AND HOPE... TO SHOW THE GREATNESS OF CHRIST IN MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH,WEATHER I LIVE OR DIE.
PHILIPPIANS 1:20



LOVE YOUR GOD WITH all of your heart do not lose sight in him fear not he is your number one fan , he listens as you talk he hears the crys and he will help you in need !!!

He And Me + 3 said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I can totally relate to the first part of your post. Stay strong & pray like you have never prayed before. Dig in the word & you will find the answers there. God is faithful, sometimes he allows things to happen to stregthen & mold us. If we put our trust completely in Him He will reward us.
I will add your daughter to my prayer list. I am holding onto that verse for my brother who was raised in a Pastors home. It will happen.
Have a nice weekend.
Mimi

Crystal B. said...

Hun I am always a email away. I love ya and will pray things get better for you!

Betty said...

It´s so good of you to share this with us. I feel for you and hope that you will find help close by. I will be praying for you and your daughter!

*Keli* said...

I'm behind as usual. I'm praying for you sweet friend! I also sent you a text. Love you - Keli

Mrs. S said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling.

Let me just say this-- I am young. I dont have a lot of experience in life, but in my short life, I HAVE experienced quite a bit of pain and anger. And through all of that my faith has been up down and all around. I think it's just natural for you to feel like this at times...in the end, it's just what you do in these situations, it's how much you allow yourself to grow. I don't know if this makes sense and I hope I don't sound..preachy. But if you need to talk...please email me.

I will be praying for you and I hope that you have something to lift your spirits soon!

M and G said...

Life is all about struggling and making it through. God could be using your struggle so that you can bear testimony in the future. Do not give up and hit your knees in prayer as often as needed. "God doesn't bring you to it, if he can't bring you through it!"

<3 Meagan

Margo said...

I'm really sorry to read this. I will be praying for you as often as the Holy Spirit brings you to my mind. Hang in there & rest in knowing that God's love is everlasting even when we don't feel like accepting it. I think you ROCK, btw!!!

Elaine said...

God is growing you right now. Oh, how growing pains hurt. He draws us closer to him everyday.

The truth will always be revealed, and you know and he knows what it is. It is so hard to be betrayed. Again, God is growing you. I am sure you have helped somebody just by posting today. See how the Lord works.

I am scarred for my little girl to grow up.... I am praying for you and whatever is on your plate.

By the way, started your favorite series today. =)

EmilytheCreative said...

I am sorry your faith is being tested. But know that you will be stronger in the end. God does all things for the good of His children.

I will pray for wisdom in how to deal with the situation with your daughter. I hope everything works out with that.

Megan said...

I'm sorry you're struggling so deeply! My prayers will be with you that you're able to find peace.

Prayers for the situation with your daughter, too.

Liz said...

I can relate to your friend situation. I ended a 17 year friendship several years ago. It was a destructive friendship. She began to say nasty things about me and to me in front of others. This was all to make herself look better. She is a "Christian" who is over a youth group. It blows my mind but the Bible reminds us of these "wolves in sheep's clothing". I'll pray for you that you will find peace in this.

I will also pray for the situation with your daughter. Please try to keep the Faith. I truly believe we are tested in life.

Mama Smurf said...

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. Have faith that it'll all work out in the end.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. It's nice to "meet" you...a fellow Twilighter.

=)

Robyn said...

I can truely feel the hurt and pain in reading your post and as a friend I wish I could take it all away and make it better for you, but I can't, I can pray for you and listen with open ears and an open heart. Please know even though we are so far apart that I value our friendship and you my dear have made a very warm spot in my heart many times, when I felt I couldn't go on. That's a tresure to me.
I Love you
Robyn

Maree said...

I totally don't know you but will be praying for you anyway. It has been my experience that the trials make us stronger in the end. It has also been my experience that the "train up a child" scripture doesn't necessarily mean that it will happen when we WANT it to--more growing pains, I'm afraid. Just hold on to your mustard seed of faith and good things will happen. I firmly believe that we will never be given more than we can handle, but there are times I wonder why He chooses to push us so close to the line. Hang in there blog buddy!

Tabitha Blue said...

Hi sweetie, so sorry you are going through what you feel to be too much, but you WILL make it through all of this. God is faithful, and He wouldn't leave you alone in this. I'm definitely praying for you!!!! Keep the faith, you'll come through it all!!!

:)
~Tabitha~

freshmommyblog.com

Jill said...

I am glad that you are able to let your feelings out and gain some support from all of us.

No matter how Christian one is and how strong one'e beliefs are anger is a normal reaction to pain whether it's physical or mental! It is up to you to turn it into a postive action. I hate to hear of things like this because I have been a victim also from a friendship. I thought that the person was someone who I could trust and that they loved me and they did everything to hurt me in the end.
You're a strong person.. I know this just from reading few of your posts. I hope you mend things with your daughter!
Your new friend...

Jill :) God Bless!

Jill said...

sorry! one more thing as for your friend forgiveness will heal your heart and mind but I don't think she deserves a friend like you!

Lori of I'm no super Mom said...

I am so sorry that you have been going through all of this. I myself have had my faith tested throughout this year through family issues, and I know that it is so hard. It is great that you are able to be honest with yourself and others that you are going through a faith testing time. That is a good start on the road to getting back where you want/need to be. Please know that I will be praying for you and I am here if you need anything. I am so thankful for the blogging community as it brings us all closer in our walks with God being able to share our struggles. The thing that gets me through is knowing that God uses struggles to strengthen us and as life lessons. I will continue to pray for you! May God bless you and your family!

Ashley said...

its great that we have a place that we feel we can "let it all hang out"! thats what the body of christ is supposed to be...though many many times it is not. know that i will be praying for you as i am having a hard time with my oldest son...

ash

HeatherPride said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time right now. Of course I will add you to my prayer list.

God wants us to be open in our relationships and forgiving, but I believe that He does not hold it against us when we refuse to be abused by people. You can still forgive her, but I would put that relationship behind you.

As for your daughter, gosh, I don't know what to say. I remember how dramatic I was as a teen. I will be praying for you.

mayberry said...

I'm sorry you are going through such a dark time. Hang on to your faith and know that God will use this time for YOUR good.

Debbie said...

I will be praying for you my friend. Don't give up - FAITH, HOPE and LOVE will get you through this!!

Dr. Wifey said...

living a Christian life is not easy as there are always adversities and sometimes it seems like it would be easier just to do as the flesh wants. cling to God. *prayers, hun*

Traci said...

I call it New Level, New Devil.

Everytime we think we are cruising....there is a new devil to try to put us down. Trials come and trials go.....if you are in a fire, you can't get out if you stand still girlfriend....one step at a time gets you out....and when you step out.....YOU WILL BE REFINED!!! Keep your cool, be polite....you don't have to be best friends.....just polite.

About daughter....girlfriend, I'm all there.....I'm going through a whopper right now....I don't think All My Children could pull off this plot and make it believible....I know it's true though.....living proof. Another trial....a new me at the end!!! Hang in there....it will be like weightloss, smooth sailing....then BAM.....hard to get back into the groove.....don't give up....you can do it!!! Walk in LOVE!!!!

Davisix said...

First of all...some friend I AM! I am SO sorry Leah, for the way we ended our convo on Friday. I have been thinking about you nonstop! We went to FL this weekend and didn't get back until late last night. That doesn't mean I haven't been praying for you and I should have let you know that. I'm sorry...from the bottom of my heart. I will chat with you today, if you have time. Love you! PLease believe that!! Ang

The Thompson's said...

Hey there!

My heart goes out to you for what you are going thru. I have gone thru similar things myself with friends. Close friends indeed. The guy that was my best man in my wedding as a matter of fact.

Know that God will bring you thru this. But without him it would be much harder than it already seems.

My Love and Prayers are with you Always,

Krystyn said...

Forgiveness..that's a tough one.

Write a letter...and mail it or don't. It really helped me a lot.

And, I mailed it to the person. And, I'm pretty sure he didn't think he needed forgiveness...but I didn't care.

Yaya said...

People come in and out of your life, all with a distinct purpose. Some are for a short while and the rare few go the mile. This "friend" must have served some sort of purpose in your life at some point, and then it was time to move on.

As for your daughter, I am sorry that you are going through struggles with her, whatever they may be. In the end, it will make you stronger.

Juls said...

I came across your blog... and my heart really goes out to you. While I don't have teenage daughters ..YET..(mine are 10 & 12), I have already experienced the drama that comes with raising girls. While I don't know you're situation, I will be praying for you all the same!

Hang in there!

nancygrayce said...

I happened upon your blog tonight and I'd like to comfort you both with your child and with your questions and anger!

First, I want you to be assured that nothing can separate you from the love of God! He promises us that! You may not "feel" the love, but it's there. Of course, we still have that old sin nature that rears it's ugly head on a daily basis and we just have to run back to our Father.

I have a son who is now 38 years old. When he was 15, he began having problems that I didn't know how to handle. Anger that I later found out was caused by drugs. He has been in and out of trouble, jail, you name it, he's done it. I have to daily give him to the Lord because I finally learned I have NO control. None. He has two wonderful and beautiful children, but seems to love the addiction more. I say that to say this, you are never alone in whatever boat you may find yourself madly rowing. Many of us have been where you are or are going that direction!