Why ????

I'm writing somthing so deeply personal & something that a chosen few of you know.. Remember,I record "our lives" in this blog.Take from it what you will, I pray you see a woman who desperately loves her God, husband & children.That being said what you are about to read & share in, is me grappleing to understand somthing I am deeply overwhelmed by & surrendering to daily- I have secondary infertility & I'm hurting. As so many women do for this dream not yet realized, I wrestle w/ God often. I'm a 37 yo woman w/4 beautiful, loving, healthy daughters & such a strong desire for another child,one that I know in my heart was placed there by God. For the past 4 yrs I have prayed, screamed,sobbed, been angry,imbittered, hopeless-round & round again.I can hear some of the comments now(because I've heard it all before)"you have children, be happy w/what u have"or" if its Gods wil, it will happen" True, but painfull nontheless. My heart aches just like a woman who is trying for her 1st. My pain is real,its deep.. It is crushing every month when I find out another month gone. I tell myself all kinds of things,I've told God all kinds too.I feel alone, I share "this" pain & emptiness w/ noone,not even my husband lives here in this pain w/ me. Its just me & this emptiness. He can't feel it-he can't feel how vast, penetrating & unending it is for me.I try talking to him, he doesn't get it so then I feel emptier.I live here in this place between surrender & dying to the dream because if I stay & let it rot in me I will be trapped here, but I just can't move on, I've tried. I've asked God if its not His will would He plz change my heart. He hasn't. -continue 2 next post plz-