(Continued from last post)

You just can't explain the dispair that suffering through this for so long & the toll it takes on you emotionaly. Words cannot be found. Not knowing when it will be over is maddening.You try not to focus on it & honestly there are times when I can stuff it for awhile & I'll be ok & then it just comes flooding back. Sometimes people who simply can't understand say the darndest things. I recently had a very sweet well meaning lady say "you have so much to be thankful for, a wonderful Godly husband, big beautiful home, 4 terrific girls,that may have to be enough" well yes- I'm so blessed, but because I feel this desire does that mean I'm not thankful? One hasn't anything to do w/ the other,its a seperate issue. And knowing those things doesnt make the suffering any less. I'm very thankful that I have Gods word to go to, w/out it I wouldn't have made it. His word says He hears me & knows the desires of my heart,He put them there.It also says He is just & I am (as I say all the time here) in the shadow of His wings. I have seen some precious friends this past yr get the wonderful news of their pregnancies & try to be sensitive in telling me-thank you girls! I simply couldn't be happier for you, it is a miracle & I'm thrilled to pieces! Please don't ever think I would be unhappy @ such wonderful news, it has brought me such hope! I write all of this to simply get it out, also to ask you to pray for me.. Thank you for letting me share this, sorry so heavy...Tonight as I lay me down to sleep, I will once again lay it @ the foot of the cross, and tomorrow work very hard once more to not pick it up. He is so gracious, abounding in Love. And on Him I WILL continue to cast my cares. If someone u know has infertility please just be there.Ask her how she's doing, let her lean on you. Pray w/ & for her.You can't fix it but nothing will do more good than you just showing up for her & truely "hearing" her pain. Till next time L.A

Why ????

I'm writing somthing so deeply personal & something that a chosen few of you know.. Remember,I record "our lives" in this blog.Take from it what you will, I pray you see a woman who desperately loves her God, husband & children.That being said what you are about to read & share in, is me grappleing to understand somthing I am deeply overwhelmed by & surrendering to daily- I have secondary infertility & I'm hurting. As so many women do for this dream not yet realized, I wrestle w/ God often. I'm a 37 yo woman w/4 beautiful, loving, healthy daughters & such a strong desire for another child,one that I know in my heart was placed there by God. For the past 4 yrs I have prayed, screamed,sobbed, been angry,imbittered, hopeless-round & round again.I can hear some of the comments now(because I've heard it all before)"you have children, be happy w/what u have"or" if its Gods wil, it will happen" True, but painfull nontheless. My heart aches just like a woman who is trying for her 1st. My pain is real,its deep.. It is crushing every month when I find out another month gone. I tell myself all kinds of things,I've told God all kinds too.I feel alone, I share "this" pain & emptiness w/ noone,not even my husband lives here in this pain w/ me. Its just me & this emptiness. He can't feel it-he can't feel how vast, penetrating & unending it is for me.I try talking to him, he doesn't get it so then I feel emptier.I live here in this place between surrender & dying to the dream because if I stay & let it rot in me I will be trapped here, but I just can't move on, I've tried. I've asked God if its not His will would He plz change my heart. He hasn't. -continue 2 next post plz-

So Personal....

I'm home after returning from the Oolagah youth rally & read 3 of the blogs I'm lovin,the sadness penetrates my bones.There's an unfortunate theme, a cord that binds these families. Its this life altering, more than we can bare, pain that nothing humanly done can help because of this great loss.Then in the midst of the darkness is this fog,this creeping in,on,all around us as we bear together in His love,it sweeps in & alters our pain-He knew we were going to be in the deep pit of battles Psalms 103:8- He is compassionate & gracious- abounding in love.From the sidelines my heart just wrenches,I feel such pain & loss for these empty arms, acheing to hold these tiny angels- but then u read what they are writing, lamenting as my gf Kathy said, u feel an awe, you feeeeel peace, the peace that only our compassionate & gracious creator could gift us.It is His will thats done, & when we take refuge in Him, in the secret place of His presence & call to Him , He will answer us & show us great & mighty things,(peace, assurance, healing, wisdom)fenced in & hidden in His great & powereful all knowing love for"us"His creation. When we dare to think on those things that could effect us on that deep a level, we are certain there's just no way we would survive, but just as these precious families are driven to their knees to find out, He's waiting there,in that place that you simply may not make it back from. He's gone before us, also hemmed us in from behind...I've read over & over that He is my strong tower, He hears my cry & is always near- He is never nearer to us then when are layed out bare, when we cry out for help or just hurt so deeply we can only moan in our suffering. He hears & lovingly delivers us out of all of our distress & troubles...(psalms 34:17) I wont assume to know their experience,but I do know what Gods word says & I can see it effecting these circumstances. I'm so very thankful that in the days of sorrow & distress,we are in the shadow of His wings..Please pray for lucy, today is her funeral. In Him ,LA

And just like that....

Hello faithful & NON replying readers,how is everyone this busy season?We are seriously winding down here,the twins have like1week of work left, other 2 are basically done~just in the nick of time because summer is upon us. W/that comes a full calendar(you'd think just the opposite,but the contrary is indeed true,our days & comming weeks are jam packed!!!) Beginning with Kaits 15th birthday tomorrow...Im sad as I post this, I really shouldnt be but Ive been doing the wierdest things & having the sappiest thoughts. I randomly walk around hugging her & telling her how precious she is to me, & just stare at her while we are hanging out. Now just doing one of the affore mentioned might not get a reaction, however both in conjunction w/eachother have caused some alarm ovbiously~to the point that shes asked me a few different times if somthings wrong... I DIDNT THINK IT WAS THAT OUT OF CHARACTER, BUT OVBIOUSLY I NEED TO CONTROL MYSELF .I dont think of myself as a mushy person,but having my oldest baby turn 15 & the feelings that envokes is somthing you just cant prepare yourself (or them) for...Thankfully we have already had her party,we had 13 teenage girls & my friend,1 very brave mom over this past friday night for a sleepover, what a night it was! We were up until after 4am and did somthing I wont out right declare here because its illegal in some communities but lets just say it involved sneaking around @2am,wearing black,& decorating someones yard. Word on the streeet is that 15 teenage boys are on standby to return the favor~I jus can't wait for that clean up!!! As my birthday gift to her I will be taking her & a girlfriend for a spa day,its important to her,so I will just go along, have a facial & show support like a good loving mother should. Now the twins are all about having that for their girft too, so I know for certain Ill have another one in Oct,for the girls naturally!Kait & I leave for camp in Co. 6/2 so might be abit till I post! May u all be full of His peace & joy heading into your summer. In Him,LA

Here comes the rain, da da da daaaa!

Its been so nice out, until now (still nice, just diff)... Its amazing how quicky you can take a few sunny days in a row for granted! Its wednesday so we will head off to church in a bit - in the rain, ugh. This is such a strange time of the year for homeschool families because its most of our hearts desire to "finish strong". Its our mantra honestly) & if your anything like us, its a struggle! Thankfully this time of year also marks the start of homeschool conventions in the area, whoooo hooo!! No, really, we love it, need it look fwd to it even. Its a time to hang out & share stories, get a reprieve, gain insite from like minded moms & dads & get totally geared up & refreshed after a longggg school year. Its truely been a great term, Syd & chels are buckling down & trying to finish early, thankfully, usually they want to dilly dally so I'm pleased. Kait is just Kait! We have so much on our calendar already this summer. We start off w/ a trip to Nm in just a few short days for a visit w/ my family, weekend in Ka for the conventionan, throw in a trip to Ar, camping & concert in Tx. youth trip to Co, a week in Mi, & end it @ Disney in Fl.... I'm pooped already. I just want so much to enjoy this season w/ my babies,this time go's by so fast. I press in to God so much more now than ever before & its such a sweet time as I get to see my littlest baby learning to read & my oldest gearing up for driverssssss Ed! (I ask myself often where the lil blonde w/ a raspy voice & piggy tails has run off to) Can't stop change & its so wonderful how just when your @ the stage where its necessary for you to be strong, let go & move fwd , God is there holding on & moving w/ you, ahead of you & behind you. Take heart, its just gonna get sweeter ladies. Much love & see ya next time -L. A

Whooo Hoo Spring has Sprung!

Hello faithful readers! I hope your having a beautiful sunny day! We certainly are here in OK.! Along with the warm weather comes out door play, right? Well our lil chels has been readyyyy for spring, she & Peyt are taking full advantage of it, so on monday eve Chelsea jumped on her rollerblades & rode around on our culdesac then as she's comming into the driveway Peyton was riding her bike, made a quick turn & down Chels go's... Well she fell back on her tailbone & wrists. ( YES SHE WASNT WEARING WRIST GUARDS,OR HELMENT! VALUABLE LESSON LEARNED!!) Her left wrist swelled up right away & her right one ached abit. We let her sleep on it, then yesterday the left was still swollen & hurting so I took her in & sure enough- its broken. We went today & got her a pretty green cast. Moral of the story? Don't brag to your 3 sisters that your the only one who hasn't broken a bone!! If all go's well she gets it off in three weeks,which is right around the time we are planning to make a trip to Fl. I hope she is healed by then, its not a big break. I would hate to think what it would be like if we wernt in the shadow of His wings, I'm so thankful that God looks out for us & is protecting us from things we arnt even aware of, could have been much worse!!! Sorry I havnt been on, this time of the year is crazy for us, & its really important to Chris and I that we finish strong w/ school!! But now we are off to take the Teens to a "Super Hero bowling party" So I will report back A.S.A.I.C! See ya soon.... L.A

Gheesh, its 2008??? What happend to 2007,6,5,ect? Well, I guess what they say is true... "Time waits for no one" , no I dont know who said it, Im just certain someone did. We are gearing up for the same ole same ole in our household; same schooling, same sisterly love ( hehehehe) same daily routine with a few exceptions. The first being that we have started attending a new church (not new as in newly errected, new as in we have just recently started visiting) right down the lane. We really like it. Not only do we, but the girls also seem to be carving out their own little nitches as well which is very important to us. I really miss my friends. I like the ladies that I'm meeting but I really miss seeing the ones that have grown dear to me a few times a week. I know, I'll make more, its just an adjustment thats all. There has also been a really wonderful thing that has transpired out of all this transitioning, and that is that the Lord has reconnected me w/ a close friend. She and her family are also making the transition to this "new" church, its been really nice. Its so hard to know what God is up to in all of this, so in this season of being seasoned, I am just going to "stand" as His word says to do and hang on to my hat because He knows far more about what my family and I need than I do. We are also gearing up to take our bi-annual trek to Michigan. We were unable to go for Christmas, so we are going to try and go here in the next few weeks. We want to go before it gets warm out because part of the experience is to go and freeze, the girls really look foreward to it. Ok, well we are @ library story time and it is about to start so I have to go but I hope you all are having a wonderful transition time as well, wheather it be a new beginning, prayers answered or just a change in your heart. If your not growing, your dying, right?! Hugs, and see you next time L.A.

5 bobs, 5 3/4 length black coats & a personal trainer in a pear tree...

- Once again the topics being expressed here are my own random private thoughts & not to be confused in any way as the thoughts or opinions of others- that being said- Hi ya'll, how was everyone's Christmas? Ours was good! We stayed home this year for the 1st time in O.k, but it looks like we might be going to Mi. in the next few weeks. It was really nice to just hang out Christmas morning w/ the family. Then yesterday I loaded up the girls & headed to the mall ( I know I'm a freak) & they shopped till they spent most of their Christmas $$.(Wierd as it is, I am just not into that anymore...surprised me too!!) Tonight we went to my dear sweet unsuspecting friend Kathleen's B-day party- let me just say, we really rocked into the night. Kathy made some yummy treats too, but one of her B-day pressies is a personal trainer, who incidentally showed up to the party, so needless to say we were quite vexed about giving in to to much temptation- thanks JARRETT!!!....
I cannot believe its 4 days till 08... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I still have a lot to get done this year...ugh! I guess that also means that the slim chance that I had to get any finiancial help from my ex in Phoenix before the year is out just went to none, zero, nada, zip... grrrr! What do you call that? Thank God my sweet husband is such a Godly man & loves this family, I really am blessed.- It also means that Peyton will be 7 & Kait 15 -which means DRIVERS PERMIT!! - & in the brilliant words of Nancy Kerrigan after she got wacked in the knee by Tanya Harding's bodyguard in Detroit @ a figure skating championship- - "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??" Well, theres no turning back now- & I have 2 more comming up right behind her. Then just about the time I get used to some peace & tranquility for 5 or 6 years ( ok, call me a dreamer) BAM-Peyton will be 15 too starting it all over again.... - Well hanging out w/that person trainer tonight really makes me want to go get a whopper, fries & a double thick choc milkshake...Poor Kathy!!
Till next time.. hugs, LA :0)

Ode to Sydney...

Where do I begin... Well in a little adobe hospital in Santa Fe New Mexico just over 13 years ago,the Lord & I brought two precious tiny babies into this world( w/ the help of some very skilled surgeons) . Chelsea was 4 pounds, dark brown & a head full of crazy black hair... Sydney was just under 5 pounds, bald as she could be and looked remarkably like the gerber baby we seem to compare babies to...She was born w/ a smile on her face- literally was dragged out if her little cocoon grinning from ear to ear- wilst her sister was kicking & screaming enough for the both of them! Sydney has always been such a aweome child. She's always been on her own schedule, not influienced by what other people think of her-what she wears, how she acts, does her hair, nothing... She also has the gift of mercy, which @ times has equated to being taken advantage of & enduring countless friendships that have left me @ times screaming in my mind through pursed lips because they take advantage or mistreat her. But because of who she is, she has taught me a lot about forgivness. I am very much in love w/ Sydney, & love watching her blossom into the woman of God that she was predestined to be. I am so thankful for the role she plays in our family & I cannot imagine even one day w/ out her in my life. I'm not saying it hasn't been w/ out stress & drama, being her mamma (she is a girl & mine for heaven sake) but I have truely loved the journey of seeing her evolve & grow (already nearly over my head!) If you are reading this & you have daughters, I want to encourage you to please let them know what they mean to you & how vital your relationship is... So here's to all the precious "Sydney's" in our lives. May God continue to let's us expierience their sweet spirit & unconditional, seemingly endless, Grace......

As it is...

FYI-This is a journal about 5 girls, 1 boy & the goings on w/in the context of said family..It is a journal & @ the same time read by friends & loved ones who can after reading this entry, be very thankful that their life isn't filled w/such wonderful opportunities to grow in their walk. I am one of said girls & @ present struggling w/ another of the 5 girls. As this is a journal, I am going to be very poignant about my feelings.. I have a daughter that we will simply refer to as' miss 14' to protect the not-so-innocent...Well 'miss 14' came home from her dads this summer (for the second year in a row) w/ a new boyfriend that she met on the internet & fell madly in love, hid it very well (surprisingly) for 2 months, then (true story, only the names have been changed) was made to end the torrid texting affair after I found a text stating ' Good night sweet love, I will miss you till after 5 period when I can hear from you once more...' Needless to say, she was put on serious lockdown & swore to be loyal,trustworthy and responsible & to never contact the 65 y.o man posing as a 16 yo boy ever again (well, how do we know he isn't a 65y.o pervert? I've never met the guy!!!)fast fwd 3 months..'Miss14' gets off punishment, her life & cell phone back, go's on a minivacation w/ her bff & WHAM-Back in love affair w/ 65 yo man posing as a 16 y.o boy...(still no proof to the contrary) So once again, I've been driven to take matters in to my own hands.. I have txt 65y.o man & very innocently asked for his address & home # "cause I'm putting it in my fone book and I also want to 'send him somthing" I'm going to call his house, & if he really has a mom (like any self respecting 16 y.o boy does) I'm going to have a conversation w/ her about the trouble 'Miss 14' is in over all of this. Oddly enough, he hasn't text me- I mean her, back....Tune in next time to see how this all plays out, in the meantime can you share w/me what your thoughts are & what you would do in the same situation. Uh oh 5th period is over,gatta go,bbl-LA